I almost had to use my AK … I got to say it was NOT a good day.

If you’ve had the exciting experience of a dildocam u/s, you know that in general, they are pretty quick. Today? No.

It was another morning of me putting bad karma out into the world, today with my laziness and lies to try to cover up my laziness. The domino effect went like this:

1. My plan was to be dressed and ready to go when the boys were, so I could leave shortly after they got on the bus. (Bus supposed to arrive at 8:45; appt. at 9:40 about a half hour away). 

2. This didn’t happen, as I slept in a little too late, and the boys woke up a little too early. I knew I needed to hop in the shower as soon as they got on the bus … which didn’t come until 8:55.

3. This didn’t happen either, as I played on FB for way too long posting first-day-of-school pictures.

4. In fact, by the time I had everything together and I was backing out of the driveway, it was 9:38.

5. In a panic, I decided to call my clinic and act like I drove to the wrong one (there are several locations, and I get seen at both of them depending on the doc’s availability) so I have an excuse for being VERY late.

6. Fail! My fave receptionist said, “Don’t worry, we can scan you here, don’t turn around. You said you were in the parking lot?”

7. Yeah, I did, but I wasn’t, so I didn’t walk in until 9:55, and then I had to make up ANOTHER story about turning around before she told me not to and then getting stuck by 2 trains.

8. So I got the scan. Left ovary went fine, although my fave nurse is much slower than my doctor. 

9. She couldn’t find the right. At all. Despite digging and moving and OW OW OW OW OW OW OW please make it stop. This went on for more than 10 minutes, which is an ETERNITY when that is happening.

10. She drew my blood and tells me to drive to the other clinic (like a half hour away) so they can try to find it. This was no big deal, as it’s very close to work, and it’s … well, where I was supposed to be this morning anyway.

11. I arrived close to 11. Another nurse led me in. She also could not find the ovary to measure the follies on it. She was pushing on my stomach, having me push on my stomach, I was basically going through the ceiling trying not to scream as she rooted around in there for 23 minutes (I timed it w/the clock on the monitor), etc. 

12. She finally measured 6 on the right side but warned that she knew there were more that she couldn’t get to.

13. She told me she thought I probably will trigger tonight as she thought I have “at least 3 mature.” Well, I didn’t get pregnant with *9* mature last time, so I was kind of hoping for more.

14. But damn, she was right … trigger at midnight, retrieval at 11 a.m. Friday. %&%^%^. My e2 is 2800; it peaked at 1790 last time. I’d like to think there are more follies (there are definitely more follies – 10+ on the left and 6+ on the right), but I am almost positive not many are mature. ugh.

Throw everything at the wall, see what sticks

I’ve done 9 days of stims. Most likely, I am done or have only one more to do. (hoping to do one more, obviously, due to my desire for a Saturday retrieval.) This is also more than likely our last fresh IVF. I’ve branched out a little more this time with “tricks” to try and make it work.

For example, I bought this: http://www.amazon.com/Imagery-Meditations-Support-In-Vitro-Fertilization/dp/B000FOT8CC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377054977&sr=8-1&keywords=ivf+meditation+cd

I can only speak for Track One, which is meant for the stim part of IVF, but it’s okay. Mostly I fall asleep, and make fun of her when she’s like, “Get inside your inner world. Look at your ovaries. They are so bumpy.”

Then there’s the acupuncture … eh, not feeling it so far (today was my first session).

I am not a granola hippie by any means. I dislike nature and (clearly) embrace modern medicine. I do see a chiropractor, though (love). And an acupuncturist comes in once a week to my chiro’s office and does sessions for only $20 (discount for patients.) So I decided to give it a go.

Okay, well, even though my fave front desk girl told me people come in for fertility all the time, my flaky acupuncturist doesn’t even know what happens in an IVF cycle, what the hell! So.

1. Even though I have no fear of needles, these did not feel like nothing as I was hoping. They hurt like little quick bee stings, no bueno.

2. I stupidly wore a thong that was too tight for my enormous ass, so I had to lie there the whole time feeling like my underpants were trying to lengthen my crack. (sorry tmi. Whatever, I talk about giant needles going into my vagina to poke holes in my ovaries; this is probably mild in comparison.) Yes, I know this is no one’s fault but my own, but it detracted from the experience.

3. I nodded off twice, then was rudely awakened by this needle in my hand that would get dislodged when my hand would drop.

4. She had to stick one of the needles directly into one of the enormous bruises on my stomach (more on that in a moment).

5. Did I mention that THE ACUPUNCTURIST HAS NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENS IN IVF? Ack, I’m totally wasting my time, aren’t I? booo.

I’m going again tomorrow (she was filling in as my chiro today, so she gave me an extra sesh since she was already there) and next Wednesday. At least I can say I (half-assedly) tried.

As for the bruising, stims have been rough on me this time. After the last cycle, when people asked about IVF and nervously inquired after the injections, I smoothly assured them the shots were no big deal – “IVF is terrible because of the mental piece,” I’d say. “The drugs are nothing!”

Karma heard that. So this time, the Menopur has burned consistently worse each day. Of the three injections I give myself per night, I have hit at least one blood vessel, leading to gushing and huge bruises EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. The Menopur REALLY hates me and has been leaking out after I remove my bloody needle, so then I freak and restab myself with the same needle (never do that), leading to more blood and probably NO more medicine.

If I didn’t know no one on the Internet wants to see my fat roll, I’d photograph my stomach and let you guys gape in awe at the purple, blue, green, and straight-up black marks that cover my more-than-ample abdomen … along with my numerous sexy track marks, of course. Good times all up in here!

I don’t know if I’ll make it, but watch how good I’ll fake it …

ahahahahahaha so earlier, I was like, “Dang, I am responding so well to the meds this time, without any of the emotional side effects of last time. I’m already 7 days in!”

Then I went to Staples to buy composition books for my whole class b/c my teaching partner promised me they were 10 cents apiece. Well, they were, but only the first 3. So I snapped, “I have to buy these for 27 kids! This is RIDICULOUS!,” burst out crying, left my cart in the middle of the line, grabbed the boys, and marched out … then the clerk had to chase after me outside b/c I left my freaking WALLET in the cart.

So. Um. Beware the mood swings. Also I have perma-banned myself from that Staples and will leave in fear that some of my new students’ parents saw my outburst (the place was packed, of COURSE.)

Anyway, follie check #2 was okay (I think? who even knows, really). I have 8 on the left and 6 on the right. Lead is 14 something on the left, 12 something on the right. I am stalking my IVF portal, but there is no info from today there yet, WTH! My lining is over 14, which I was like, “Um, that’s really thick,” kinda worried, and the doctor said, “Better too thick than too thin, believe me.”

Wednesday will be the deciding factor as to whether I have retrieval Friday or Saturday. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send Saturday retrieval vibes, as I have my first day of work Friday and would miss “Meet the Teacher” if I’m in retrieval. It’s my first year in second grade, and I want to start off with a good first impression!

I’ve been a little crampy the last 2-3 days. Intrigued to see my E2, though my follies are nothing to write home about. (we’re okay. I’m okay.)

First follie check – 4 days of stims in

That was yesterday. So yesterday’s appointment, after 4 days of stims, went well, I think! I had 5 follies on one side and 6 on the other. For the first time, my doctor said, “You’re actually almost exactly where you need to be.” Good news! I was a little nervous b/c I had 12 eggs last time at retrieval, but my nurse said “quality, not quantity” and I was like, “you’re right.” 

I feel more relaxed this time so far. Worrying doesn’t change the outcome, and it makes me so miserable. Being pessimistic last time didn’t save me from any heartbreak at all in the end.

I ordered an IVF meditation CD (fell asleep during it last night, but the first time I listened to it, it was great!) and will do a few half-assed acupuncture sessions over the next week or so. 

Next check Monday morning! Staying on all the same dosages. He also said he expects retrieval to be Friday or Saturday.

My last night of peace

Tomorrow I start stims. It’s been a nice reprieve of just about a month of not thinking about any of this stuff … even the Lupron really ain’t no thang. This week I’ll go about my business as usual except to inject at night. First follie check is Friday morning.

I’m hoping to be so distracted this cycle that I don’t have time to mope and dwell. With having to get a new classroom set and ready to go by next Friday, I’m thinking that distraction is exactly what’s on the horizon. This is a stressful time of year for sure.

Tomorrow the boys and I have our last day trip of the summer – heading to Michigan with a BFF and her 2 girls to soak up the sun (? 60% chance of rain, so we’ll see) on a lovely sandy beach. It’s been a great summer, even with the crappy IVF luck. I try hard not to forget to count my multitudinous blessings.

Current med schedule:

20 units Lupron

1 baby aspirin

prenatal vitamin

Med schedule starting tomorrow:

10 units Lupron

300 iu Gonal-F

75 iu Menopur

1 steroid pill (too lazy to look up the name; better luck tomorrow when I’m actually taking it)

prenatal

Bring it, IVF #2. (but be gentle. and give me a sticky, healthy baby or 2 at the end. kthxbai).

*peeking in nervously*

So yesterday was what my darling sorority sister and very good friend, veteran of 2 fresh and 2 frozen IVFs, now 31 weeks pregnant with twins, affectionately calls the “WTF appointment” – as in “WTF doctor, why didn’t this cycle work and WHERE IS MAH BAYBEE?”

When I came in, the doctor was looking at a pic of one of my embies on his monitor. He talked to me about how the cycle had gone better than he’d thought it would, and how I responded well to the meds, had gotten a good number of eggs. I learned that even when embryos look “normal” in the lab, up to 50% are chromosomally abnormal – including embryos from donor eggs, which are theoretically the best eggs. We talked about my weight – how they don’t know if it affects implantation, but that if it does, it probably only affects success rates by a few percentage points at most. He said stims and retrieval, the big worries when you’re dealing with someone with a high BMI (guilty!) went well for me, so he was encouraging me to try another cycle – and yes, a fresh cycle, since only one frozen embryo doesn’t give great chances for success.

But then he said that after 2 failed fresh IVFs, the chances for pregnancy success with further IVFs are very low, and he didn’t want me “doing something just to do it that wasn’t likely to work.” It was a sobering thought. But I also appreciated that he wasn’t going to make me go through heartbreak after heartbreak.

I read once that if your RE has no plans to change your protocol after a failed cycle, it’s time to look for a new RE. My meds will change, but not much.

– my dosage of the gonadotropins will be increased slightly, to hopefully get us more eggs while still avoiding hyperstimulation
– we’ll be adding steroids and baby aspirin (are both of those for after transfer? I think so). He said they generally skip that stuff unless people have multiple failed cycles, but he doesn’t want me to go through multiple failed cycles, which I appreciated. 

So. BCPs started last night. Here we go again. No, I don’t want to talk about IRL if I’m not bringing it up, and I suspect I won’t tell nearly as many people this time that we’re doing it. Delivering bad news is the worst.