Nothing to freeze

I cried all afternoon. Into the evening. I got into that negative head space – “these embryos must be as messed up as the others.” In all fairness, I cried at lunchtime too. My new job is HARD. So hard. I’m so effing tired. Today everything sucks. I think I have a hot date with my crapass meditation CD.

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Two more home.

Two blastocysts transferred today, one an expanded blast and one an early blast. The (so sweet) embryologist told me they even looked a little better than our last embies. Two more will be cultured until tomorrow for possible freezing (fingers crossed!) They are also early blasts, so hopefully they’ll perform and be frozen with their little ice ice baby sibling.

Blood pregnancy test (aka beta) scheduled for 7:40 on September 9. I’m so swamped with work I suspect the wait will be quicker this time. 

Six.

Fertilization report is in.

I had 18 eggs. 11 of those were mature. Of those 11, 6 fertilized and are (please God) healthfully dividing on their merry little way.

I’m sort of bummed, honestly. I did hope that more eggs = more embryos, but we are actually starting out with one fewer than cycle #1. Again, whatever happens will happen, but I am not doing this shit again, and DH agrees. 

Such an awful little experiment, this IVF. Unless it works. Then I bet it’s spectacular. 

Bad timing … I haz it.

Y’all, my body hurts. HURTS. They are not playing when they say “you may return to work 24 hours after retrieval.”

Except that I returned to work 2 hours after retrieval, which is almost the same thing. I couldn’t stand the idea of missing Meet the Teacher … especially if for some Godawful reason our embryos suck and we have to do a 3-day transfer. ‘Cause a 3-day transfer would be Monday, THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. Deep breaths; I cannot even worry about that right now.

Retrieval wasn’t quite as smooth this time. The nurse anesthetist this time was really nasty and couldn’t apparently get over my weight. She diagnosed both DH and I with sleep apnea while we were chatting. Wait, seriously? I get why you’d be worried about the possibility of sleep apnea in the person you’re about to put to sleep, but you can lay off the person you’re NOT treating. Seriously WTF. I think her judgmental attitude just set me up to feel extra anxious. 

In any case, when I woke up, I HURT. There was no giggly chattiness like last time; it was just ow ow ow ow to the nth power. I started to get scared that it wouldn’t be better in time to go back to school, but thanks to my new bestie Toradol, the pain did subside enough for me to get back. 

We got 18 eggs (yay!). No idea how many mature. The bad news was that DH’s sample was so bad that they asked him to produce a second time as they couldn’t even find enough live ones for ICSI (in this case, just the 18 – eeek.) After the second sample (way to get after it, baby!), they let us leave, saying they could find some swimmers this time. Worst case scenario, he has a frozen sample there they could thaw and use.  Praying for a good fert report.

I made it through Meet the Teacher in an appropriately charming manner, fell asleep as DH was driving us home, and then slept on the couch ’til almost 6, and it’s going to be an early bedtime tonight.

You have no idea how badly I wish I didn’t have to go into my classroom this weekend …

I almost had to use my AK … I got to say it was NOT a good day.

If you’ve had the exciting experience of a dildocam u/s, you know that in general, they are pretty quick. Today? No.

It was another morning of me putting bad karma out into the world, today with my laziness and lies to try to cover up my laziness. The domino effect went like this:

1. My plan was to be dressed and ready to go when the boys were, so I could leave shortly after they got on the bus. (Bus supposed to arrive at 8:45; appt. at 9:40 about a half hour away). 

2. This didn’t happen, as I slept in a little too late, and the boys woke up a little too early. I knew I needed to hop in the shower as soon as they got on the bus … which didn’t come until 8:55.

3. This didn’t happen either, as I played on FB for way too long posting first-day-of-school pictures.

4. In fact, by the time I had everything together and I was backing out of the driveway, it was 9:38.

5. In a panic, I decided to call my clinic and act like I drove to the wrong one (there are several locations, and I get seen at both of them depending on the doc’s availability) so I have an excuse for being VERY late.

6. Fail! My fave receptionist said, “Don’t worry, we can scan you here, don’t turn around. You said you were in the parking lot?”

7. Yeah, I did, but I wasn’t, so I didn’t walk in until 9:55, and then I had to make up ANOTHER story about turning around before she told me not to and then getting stuck by 2 trains.

8. So I got the scan. Left ovary went fine, although my fave nurse is much slower than my doctor. 

9. She couldn’t find the right. At all. Despite digging and moving and OW OW OW OW OW OW OW please make it stop. This went on for more than 10 minutes, which is an ETERNITY when that is happening.

10. She drew my blood and tells me to drive to the other clinic (like a half hour away) so they can try to find it. This was no big deal, as it’s very close to work, and it’s … well, where I was supposed to be this morning anyway.

11. I arrived close to 11. Another nurse led me in. She also could not find the ovary to measure the follies on it. She was pushing on my stomach, having me push on my stomach, I was basically going through the ceiling trying not to scream as she rooted around in there for 23 minutes (I timed it w/the clock on the monitor), etc. 

12. She finally measured 6 on the right side but warned that she knew there were more that she couldn’t get to.

13. She told me she thought I probably will trigger tonight as she thought I have “at least 3 mature.” Well, I didn’t get pregnant with *9* mature last time, so I was kind of hoping for more.

14. But damn, she was right … trigger at midnight, retrieval at 11 a.m. Friday. %&%^%^. My e2 is 2800; it peaked at 1790 last time. I’d like to think there are more follies (there are definitely more follies – 10+ on the left and 6+ on the right), but I am almost positive not many are mature. ugh.

Throw everything at the wall, see what sticks

I’ve done 9 days of stims. Most likely, I am done or have only one more to do. (hoping to do one more, obviously, due to my desire for a Saturday retrieval.) This is also more than likely our last fresh IVF. I’ve branched out a little more this time with “tricks” to try and make it work.

For example, I bought this: http://www.amazon.com/Imagery-Meditations-Support-In-Vitro-Fertilization/dp/B000FOT8CC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1377054977&sr=8-1&keywords=ivf+meditation+cd

I can only speak for Track One, which is meant for the stim part of IVF, but it’s okay. Mostly I fall asleep, and make fun of her when she’s like, “Get inside your inner world. Look at your ovaries. They are so bumpy.”

Then there’s the acupuncture … eh, not feeling it so far (today was my first session).

I am not a granola hippie by any means. I dislike nature and (clearly) embrace modern medicine. I do see a chiropractor, though (love). And an acupuncturist comes in once a week to my chiro’s office and does sessions for only $20 (discount for patients.) So I decided to give it a go.

Okay, well, even though my fave front desk girl told me people come in for fertility all the time, my flaky acupuncturist doesn’t even know what happens in an IVF cycle, what the hell! So.

1. Even though I have no fear of needles, these did not feel like nothing as I was hoping. They hurt like little quick bee stings, no bueno.

2. I stupidly wore a thong that was too tight for my enormous ass, so I had to lie there the whole time feeling like my underpants were trying to lengthen my crack. (sorry tmi. Whatever, I talk about giant needles going into my vagina to poke holes in my ovaries; this is probably mild in comparison.) Yes, I know this is no one’s fault but my own, but it detracted from the experience.

3. I nodded off twice, then was rudely awakened by this needle in my hand that would get dislodged when my hand would drop.

4. She had to stick one of the needles directly into one of the enormous bruises on my stomach (more on that in a moment).

5. Did I mention that THE ACUPUNCTURIST HAS NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENS IN IVF? Ack, I’m totally wasting my time, aren’t I? booo.

I’m going again tomorrow (she was filling in as my chiro today, so she gave me an extra sesh since she was already there) and next Wednesday. At least I can say I (half-assedly) tried.

As for the bruising, stims have been rough on me this time. After the last cycle, when people asked about IVF and nervously inquired after the injections, I smoothly assured them the shots were no big deal – “IVF is terrible because of the mental piece,” I’d say. “The drugs are nothing!”

Karma heard that. So this time, the Menopur has burned consistently worse each day. Of the three injections I give myself per night, I have hit at least one blood vessel, leading to gushing and huge bruises EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. The Menopur REALLY hates me and has been leaking out after I remove my bloody needle, so then I freak and restab myself with the same needle (never do that), leading to more blood and probably NO more medicine.

If I didn’t know no one on the Internet wants to see my fat roll, I’d photograph my stomach and let you guys gape in awe at the purple, blue, green, and straight-up black marks that cover my more-than-ample abdomen … along with my numerous sexy track marks, of course. Good times all up in here!