For God’s sake.

I’m not handling this well.

First of all, only one of the 4 embryos they held on to for an additional day of culturing made it to freeze. I know that having any to freeze at all is wonderful and never a guarantee, but I’m really sad that 3 little potential lives petered out at the last minute. I know this is probably dumb, and it also heightens my anxiety that this might really, really be it, because with only one, you never know if it will even survive thaw. So this might really be our only chance. Psychologically, I always knew this. It is very, very different in practice.

2. I succumbed to some kind of insanity and found a cheapo pregnancy test that expired 18 months ago. (a. GOOD GOD WE HAVE BEEN TRYING SO LONG THAT I HAVE TESTS THAT HAVE BEEN EXPIRED LONG ENOUGH FOR TWO BABIES TO BE BORN OMG THAT IS RIDICULOUS, blah blah blah etc. and b. Obvs I am a hoarder.)

The test was negative. Stark white negative. And I cried. I cried so long and so very, very hard. This is so dumb, I know; I’m 4dp5dt, which is equivalent to 9 days past ovulation, which less than half of “regular” pregnant people can get a positive test on. I think my stormy tears are more because I.Feel.Nothing. At this point when I was pregnant with the boys, putting a bra on was agony. Agony! So I feel like it didn’t work. Already. I have to stop with the negative thoughts; they help nothing. I’m listening to the “Music to Inspire Positive Thinking” CD. Strangely, it kinda helps.


The acronym is “PUPO”

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise, that is.

And I am! With 2 beautiful little embryos, one a blastocyst (which is what it’s supposed to be on Day 5) and one “more like a day 4,” as the embryologist said. We didn’t get grades. I think that’s good. I don’t want to put pressure on my babies too young. 😉

The doctor told DH that it went great (and he’s not one for enthusiasm). We still had 4 others growing as of today! The embryologist said they would culture them for one more day and then, if they still look good tomorrow, freeze them. So yay. Here’s hoping!

I forgot to take my Tylenol 3, but it wasn’t too painful and was luckily over very quickly (not a big fan of the cervix cleaning, however.)

After transfer, they left me alone in the room for 20 minutes, and I talked very quietly to my little embies and sang them the “are you in there little fetus” song that Phoebe sang on Friends when she had her IVF.

My beta is not scheduled until July 8 (you’ve literally got to be kidding me), and I’m not to test on my own before then, but like hell I’m waiting until 13dp5dt to test! (That’s 13 days past 5-day transfer, for the uninitiated, or the equivalent of 18 days past ovulation. To put that in perspective, a home pregnancy test is close to 100% by 14 days past ovulation, and many people get positives as early as 10 or 12 days past. My situation is different because the trigger shot contains HcG – the pregnancy hormone – so it could make false positives, but the stuff from the shot will be out of my system well before July 8.)

Last night the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. We were giddy. I suggested to DH that Andrew Patrick might be a lovely name for a little boy (Andrew for Shawzy; Patrick for Kaner and Sharpie). He seemed amenable. 🙂

Thanks for being there for me. I feel … happy. Two more of my babies are home with me. I hope they stay a good long while. Like, forever.

Transfer tomorrow!

Apparently I have more readers than I think. I’ve had multiple texts and messages today and yesterday asking about transfer.  🙂 ♥

Tomorrow at 12:30, I’m going in for embryo transfer. Yesterday, when a nurse called to set the time, she wasn’t able to answer my question about how many we still have growing, which sent my anxiety into full force … just when it had calmed down following our fertilization report.

I am so praying everything goes well tomorrow. I promise to update after the procedure. It’s not like I’ll have anything else to do, as I have to be on bed rest for the remainder of the day (let’s be honest with ourselves; it’s not like laying on my ass is a real hardship for me.)

We made some embryos!

So 12 eggs yesterday.

I finally got the call around 2 today.

9 mature. 7 fertilized. Come on, little Ks! We are a super-fun family!

I kind of thought the take-a-lot-of-drugs part of our program was finished, but no. Today I will take:

– my prenatal x1

– Estrogen (pill) x2

– antibiotic (pill) x2

– progesterone (vaginal suppository WHAT THE HELL YUCK) x3 … and I have 13 boxes of that, each box being a week’s supply, meaning I’ll be on that through the first trimester if I get pregnant. Oh please let me have to do yucky things to myself for 13 weeks.

Transfer will be either Sunday or Tuesday. I’ll know more tomorrow. Time to go pray for my little Ks.

Egg retrieval (and what I do under the influence of anesthesia)

I am so proud of myself. I didn’t cry, even though I was so very scared and wanted to. The IV sucked (it went in my usual spot where they draw blood; there’s basically like a little target scar there now!). The nurse anesthetist was so loving and warm and sweet. I don’t even remember falling asleep. And now that I think about it, I don’t remember waking up, really, either. Heh. Weird.

Weird things I did in recovery after anesthesia wore off:

– texted a bunch of people; do not remember doing this

– told the nurse anesthetist that DH brought his own porn, since our clinic’s DVD player is broken and the 2 mags they had last time were “Crazy Anal Sluts” and “Barely 18 – our FLATTEST issue ever!” in which all the girls had pigtails and braces. Thank GOD I did not elaborate on what the offerings were, just that they weren’t up to par, and apparently I asked her if she thought people stole the magazines. oh my God.

– took a selfie of myself with hairnet and hospital gown and posted it to one of my private fb groups (why?)

Now, for the news: They retrieved 12 eggs! I cannot WAIT to hear how many fertilized tomorrow. I am praying so hard. I asked if 12 was good and she said it was “about average.”

I HURT. Waiting for DH to come home w/my Tylenol w/codeine script, and then I’m going to lay down and maybe watch Friends DVDs.

One hurdle down.  Next: Fertilization report. Please let it be good.

Pep talk to my eggs in the hours before retrieval (some spoken aloud to my husband’s amusement)

Hey. It’s retrieval day. We’re coming to get you guys. Are you feeling mature? Have you stopped backstabbing your friends, passing notes in class, laughing at fart jokes? Be mature. You’re better than that. And be big, healthy, juicy eggs. Remember the eggs that made M and R? Those were awesome eggs. Be like them. I know I was only 26 then, but my mom popped out a good egg that became my brother when she was 36! You guys know my mom. We were all inside her.

God, that’s weird to think about. Carry on.

Anyway, I want you to be big, healthy eggs. And when the nice embryologist introduces you to the sperm, don’t be shy. Meet up. Exchange exactly the right numbers of genetic information. If you can’t remember what you’re supposed to do, maybe make a to-do list. You’ve got a couple hours. Then just start dividing evenly and healthfully.

My lining is really plush, like 11 mm. A 7-8 mm lining is like a 200-thread-count sheet, so 11 must be super posh. It’s a delightful place to burrow in and develop for 9ish months, really.

You’d have two big brothers who are hilarious and smart and who LOVE babies. You’d have an awesome dad. And me? I’m no award-winning mom, but our house is always full of laughter.

Come on, you can do it. See you this afternoon.

Follie check #5 … trigger tonight!

I … I don’t even know.

Trigger is tonight.
At 2:30 a.m. (WTF?) Retrieval 1:30 p.m. Thursday.

He only measured 4 follies today, all 17 or 19 mm, so I don’t know if there are more or if there are only 4 mature. There is literally nothing I can do about it either way, so I need to stop crying about it like a little bitch. But here’s what annoyed me. My lining is apparently good, he said (11.something mm), and he said, “Well, you’ve got some eggs, looks like we’ve got a fighting chance.”

This is the same dude who told me 6 weeks ago that with good-looking embies, my odds were 50-60%. “A fighting chance” seems waaaayyy lower than that.  Look, I am a paranoid person in need of almost constant validation.  Don’t tell me I’ve got “a fighting chance.” That sounds, to me, startlingly like saying “you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell.”


ALSO someone please tell me why I’m already thinking about doing this again ASAP if this cycle fails. I’m rationalizing it by saying, “We’ll meet our $5000 out-of-pocket max easily. That means IVF is now covered at 100% rather than 70%.” I don’t even know if that would be doable. It would bump up preeeetty close to the start of the school year and might even overlap.  So then it would not really be doable. UGH.